How it all began.

Nutjob History Lesson #1.

How it all began.

Our ancient ancestors, the Neanderthals, and their immeadiate successors - the puny Red Indian looking guy always shown carrying a spear and wearing what seems to be the remains of a bear eaten by a dinosaur, had a problem.

The Neanderthal knew how to survive. Break a couple of sabertooth bones here, smash some crocodile heads there. Voila dinner. Mrs. Neanderthal is all happy and he gets to fornicate that night. Boom bam boom. The life cycle is preserved.

But the Neanderthal, dumb as he is, decided to impress this hot piece of Neanderthal ass. And how does he do it? He kills a dolphin, chops up its head, and serves its brain as lunch to the above mentioned piece of behind. Now, the above mentioned ....... was impressed. (As usual, women being the cause of all evil, but more on that later.) And Mr. Dolphin Killer got some action. Now, back then, Dolphins were the smartest things on the planet (And still are according to me. More on that later). And 9 months after eating dolphin brain, little Neanderthal was born. But this was no Neanderthal. This was tiny. This was the smallest baby Neanderthals had ever seen. He weighed just 15 kilos at birth. And there was moaning and grinding of teeth. How will this baby survive?

And that, is when our lives now got all messed up. You see, basic instincts of the need for food, shelter and clothing were all satisfied for the Neanderthals. But, when the puny Red Indian looking guy came out, he had no defenses.

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Before we go any further, Nutjob Science Lesson #1 :

Every living being has just one instinct. Survival. Some animals have defense systems developed over a time period. Like the zebra's coat which is actually black and white in that design because lions see in black and white. And that combination is actually camouflage for the zebras in the savannahs. The Neanderthals had strength. The puny Red Indian guy. Nothing. Yet.
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So the puny Red Indian guy survived his early teens thanks to his big dad who beat up all the local dino gangsta's. But then one unfortunate day, as the dad was trying to kill the big 'horny' dino, he 'mounted' it without realising it was called the big 'horny' dino for a reason, one other than its constant search for a mate. A sharp horn on its back went right through Daddy's gastral system and the dino never let go of Daddy. The first sightings of Dead Man Walking was reported sometime around now. Puny Red Indian, left all alone, had to survive. Needed to survive. And that is when the Dolphin gene in his head became active. A camp fire lit up above his head, and he saw, what could have been the first AK-47. Exaggeration. I tend to do that.

What he really saw was, a spear. A tool. The first tool. So he finds the horny dino that killed his daddy slings a stone into its eye, rips of the tiniest of its horns, ties it to a branch with some seaweed and there it is. The first spear. Now, you might ask me why this was the beginning of all tyranny and misfortune in the world. Essentially because this was the first time, the human brain was used. Not a good idea.

The puny Indian guy knew he couldn't survive an all Neanderthal attack and hence decided to convince all the other Neanderthals that they needed a system. A system with specific tasks for specific people. And this way they could live as a community without fear and with the knowledge that you can fornicate peacefully without having to face a T-Rex at night while still dangling. (Chances that the T-Rex laughs and crushes the Neanderthals ego was very high back then). Some would be night watchers, others would be hunters, others would be foragers, and poor puny guys like him would have to do all the hard work and be their leader. And he convinced them then, as leaders do today, that being a leader is just hard work, all for others, and none for self sorta thing. He fooled them. And fooled them good. Some say President Bush has some of puny Indian guy blood.

And that is when it all went wrong. The first sense of a system. A hint of morality, conciense, community. All things random from then on was defined as consequences. Nothing random was accepted. The day randomness died. And with it, the essence of life. More on this in the next lesson. Class dismissed.