A Fool's Kingdom

Alright, so this is my first play. Please excuse me for the haphazard formatting.

A Fool's Kingdom

List Of Characters

OK : Old King
SRT : Sir Roger Thatt, Knight Of England
FP : Friar Preachalot
K : King
J : Jester
HC : Heid Chopmeister
W : Wizard
P : Princess
DP : Dark Prince

Old King(has wine glass in hand) : My queen is dead! Ah, Only in death does one see life. See all things living. See all things lived. The unending joke that is life. I was once young. Ambitious. The things I did for power. It all seems silly in the end. And it all starts with the one before me. King Edward the Meathead. A monster of a being, he massacred the entire royal family to become King of all of England. He was called the meathead because he had a fondness for heads. Chopped off the neck of any man he felt was unworthy of being his subject. And this very court was his stage. And mine. It was the year 1669.

Friar Preachalot : Greetings Sir Roger Thatt. How has the Meathead been?

SRT: Ah well Friar Preachalot, he's choppin 'em heads off as usual. Returning from the front lines are ya? How goes the war there?

FP : War? What war? It's a massacre of innocents and helpless in the King's name(sign of the cross). His Royal Meatheadness is living up to his name. That barbaric half witted son of a …..

K : Faaaaaatherrr ! You over zealous sanctimonious twit ! Let's see how good you are with that snake like tongue of yours, when its half way between this gutter and your neck. Off with his head !

(enter Heid Chopmeister)

HC : Did someone say my name? Heid Chopmeister reporting for duty(Nazi Salute). Whose neck is so lucky enough to feel the sweet taste of my blade?

(Friar standing in front of SRT)

K : (Points to Friar) …. (friar moves away, but King does not see) HIM !

SRT : Me? (Faints)

K : No. HIM.

(Heid takes Friar, Friar screams holy curses while guards lead out of the stage)

HC : This should only take a second. Hopefully. (Laughs)

K : (Points to SRT) Take him to the maid's chamber. That should get him up.

(Guards come in and takes SRT off stage) ' Another one bites the dust – Queen'
(HC re-enters)

HC : And that makes it (counts) four thousand nine hundred and ninety nine heads. One more and I beat the Emperor of Prussia ! Who would have thought, a humble lumberjack from the great black forests of Bavaria would be so successful. No one German has ever killed so many. And no German ever will ! Now if you'll excuse me, I go cleanse my blade of this unholy blood.
(HC exit.Princess enters combing her hair)

P : Daddy dearest, was that Friar Preachalot's head I saw fly past the bathroom window? Such a shame really. I found his sermons rather amusing. All the gibberish about sinners being punished. Bah, there's nothing to look forward to in the day now.

K : Well Darling, if you'd told me earlier, I would have spared his life.

P : Daddy ! If you keep doing what you did to the friar, there'll be no man left in England for me to, you know....

K : I know what ?

P : You know...

K : I know?

P : Father, you know....

K : I DON'T KNOW ! Do I want to know?

P : No man left to marry me Daddy, what else? You do intend on getting me married off, don't you?

K : Marry? Now?

P : Daddy I'm 18 !

K : 18? Really? You sure did grow up quick. Come to think of it. It's about time we found you a groom. What kind of man do you want? Big? Or small? Scholar? Or soldier? Prince? Or........

(Jester enters at 'Scholar' )

J : MUSIC !

K : Or Jester !

J : Yes Sire ! It is I ! Jester of Kings and King of Jesters ! From Greece I come, to jest and to 'muse. How can I be of service? (dance)

P : NO. (Music stops) I want someone smart. Not afraid to die. Someone who will keep me safe. Not afraid to kill. Someone like you ! Not a clown.

K : But how do I find someone like me? This looks like a task for 'The Wizard' !

(Music, wizard entry)

W : You called for me Sire?

K : My daughter needs a suitor Wizard, someone like me. But where do I find such a man?

W : Why my King, did you try the asylum?
J : Asylums of England where fools come to play, a house where Wizards plenty are at bay. My mighty King are you to stand here and take that insult? I hear Wizard head is particularly amusing to watch fall !

K : You dare insult the King, Wizard? Chopmeister!

HC : Yes Sire ! Do you have my 5000th head? My blade cannot wait any longer.

W : Listen not to this joker, but heed my humble words. Spare my head, for my words saved yours when the Saxons attacked !

K : Yes. Yes. Your tongue did save my life that day. Another time, Heid.

HC : I will wait outside, Your Majesty, for your call. All I need is one more head !

J : A Wizard with no tongue when the King needs a son. Reminds me that you yourself lack a son. Maybe the tongue isn't all that is missing.

W : Silence Jester ! Princess, What exact ' qualities' of your father are we looking for in the suitor?

(Jester throws something at the Wizard. Wizard throws it back. And they have a small fight around the King and the Princess while the convo takes place)

P : I want someone smart. Not afraid to die. Someone who will keep me safe. Not afraid to kill.

K : I think I've heard that somewhere before.

P : I just said it father.

K : No, before that.

P : Before what?

K : Before you said it.

P : I did say it before I said it.

K : Before you said what?

P : What kind of man I wanted.

K : What kind of man do you want? (Jester and Wizard fall down, King looks at them) Stop it you girls. Get back to the topic at hand. My daughter wants someone dead. Not too smart. Someone who will kill her. Not afraid to keep her in a safe.

P : No daddy, I want someone smart. Not afraid to die. Someone who will keep me safe. Not afraid to kill.

K : I think I've heard that somewhere before. Never mind. Wizard. Speak now or forever hold your breath.

J : Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak !

W : My King, I …

J : Damn the heavens !

W : Silence Jester! As I was saying, my King, I think we should unleash the Royal bout !

J : Unleash the Royal bottom?

P : What ? Unleash my Royal bottom?!

J : The Wizard wants unspeakable shame on you my King ! I've heard that Wizard head off its body brings tremendous luck to a Kingdom !

K : You dare shame the Princess Wizard? Off with your head !

HC : 5000 heads I cut with my blade, the history books today I made ! Ready to chop, meister !

W : The Royal bout your highness ! Not the Royal bottom. A fight to death of any man who claims to be a suitor. The last man standing wins your daughters hand.

K : Oh. So it does not involve the Royal bottom.

W : No your Majesty.

K : Heid !

HC : Yes Sire !

K : You'll have your head the next time.

HC : Yes Sire. I go back to polishing my rod.

P : A fight to death for my hand? Well, it does seem right to give my future husband some training.

K : Why do you say that my dear?

P : Well, I don't want a man who hasn't seen death to be my husband. He has to have gone through the thrills and frills of a passionate duel. After all, it's bound to happen.

K : Bound to happen where?

P : Well, you know father...

K : I can't play the 'you know' game with you anymore! Just tell me !

P : On the battlefield, of course.

K : Wizard, so this bout, will it test a man on his dueling skills?

W : Yes Sire, if you wish. The point is to eliminate all other competitors.

J : You mean kill them all ?

P : I like the idea ! Today isn't going to be so drab after all.

K : Yes, yes. I haven't had someone killed since morning. All this life around me is depressing.
But who will come and fight to death in my Kingdom. All the men here are weak. Afraid of death.

J : But we Grecians your Majesty, are brave and smart ! I could be a suitor! See how I dance ! MUSIC ! (dances)

(While Jester is dancing, Sir Roger Thatt enters, drunk and dances with Jester)

W : STOP ! Enough of your jokes and muses. We have important matters at hand.

P : Father, with all the heads you keep chopping off I think you need to find a suitor for me soon.

K : Yes, yes I must. You there ! (Points at SRT)

SRT : Me Sire?

K : Yes you ! Do I ever point at the wrong person?

SRT : Yes Sire. You did with friar Preachalot and I fainted and then in the maids chambers....

K : Silence. How would you like to be my daughter's husband ?

SRT : Me Sire?! Marry your daughter Sire? Why Sire?

K : Would you or would you not?

SRT : Well Sire, while I was in the maid's chambers, I sort of..

K : Chopmeister !

HC : Rock a bye baby on the table top. When my blade falls, 5000 will drop ! Your Majesty !

SRT : Yes your Majesty, I will marry your Daughter !

K : Heid, return to your polishing !

W : Good, very good. But the bout cannot be with just one. We need another !

J : Why I, the descendant of great Hercules, will do it. MUSIC ! (Dances)
W : Stop it Jester ! Your Majesty, my nephew, the Dark Prince, is a mighty and fearless warrior. He would gladly come at your behest !

J : A Prince? Your nephew ? How is that when England has no Princes !

W : Well, he's not exactly a Prince. In the 20th year of the 17th century my sister paid a visit to the great Africa's. All said and done she named her son after his father's slave. Mumbaka Prince.

K : Someone named Prince as the Prince of England. I like that !

J : What would he be called if becomes Prince? Prince Prince? Prince Dark Prince? And the Princess? Princess Prince? I know you're daughter's not the womanest of women but Princess Prince, your Majesty, is a little too much !

SRT : Someone named Prince as Prince is perfect ! I forfeit ! Let the Princess be married to him ! You can find me in the maid's chambers !

P : No ! Stay here Sir Roger Thatt, I want a duel. A fight to death. It will be so romantic. I do not wish to delay it any further.

K : Yes daughter. Wizard ! Where is he, this Dark Prince of yours ?

W : Neeppheewwww ! (Scream) (Music - Dark Prince Entry)

DP : Someone call for, ahem, the Dark Prince ? (Thunder Sound, Flashing Lights )

W : Nephew, dear dear Nephew, how have you been?

DP : The Dark Prince, remains constant, just like the night sky ! Calm and dry !

J : But it does get quite wet here in England, especially at night !

DP : Joker, Clown, Jester, Fool. Is this how you treat a guest at noon?

K : Wizard ! Start the proceedings to engage the Royal Bottom !

W : The Royal Bout, your Majesty !

K : Yes, engage the Royal Bout !

DP : Wait, for what is it that I fight to death?

SRT : Fight to death? Royal Bout? What is going on ?

W : Nothing Sir Roger Thatt. Since you've agreed to marry the King's daughter you just have to fight with the Dark Prince to win her hand !

SRT : What ? You're Majesty, I humbly excuse myself from this excruciating exercise. I am no soldier. I can barely hold a sword !

K : So you will not fight to death for my daughter's hand?

SRT : Positively not.

K : Well, I think that can be arranged. Let me just check with the Bavarian. Chopmeister !

HC : Off the neck I cut and it flies, 5000 heads no longer, a lie ! Waiting for your order, your Majesty.

K : This man here, refuses to fight for my daughter's hand !

HC : Who is this imbecile who dare refuses the King ! Bring him to my table top !

SRT : Your Majesty, I meant negatively positive ! No, positively negative. No ! Positively positive that I will positively fight for your daughter ! Fight to death for your daughter. (Faints)

K : Heid, take him to the maid's chambers, and send him back once he's up !

HC : Yes Your Majesty.

(DP moves towards Princess.)

DP : So this is who I be fighting for. My lady, the pleasure is all mine. I cannot wait for the Royal buh ….

P : Slow down there Prince. You have to prove yourself worthy first. Fight for me !

W : Nephew ! Get your gear and yourself ready ! This is the first day of the rest of your life !

DP : Yes uncle ! I will prepare myself for victory !

K : I can feel something special, something waiting to happen ! Death ! Murder ! Celebrations ! Which reminds me. Jester !

J : Yes Sire.

K : Get drinks ready for everyone once the fight is over ! I want to celebrate today ! And no matter what, the last man standing today will marry my daughter !

J : Yes Sire. I will make the arrangements for that myself.

K : Good ! And Wizard !

W : Yes your Royal Highness !

K : Announce the Bout from the balcony! And ask anyone who dare challenge the victor for my daughters hand to do so !

W : Men, Women and Children of England. On this bright and sunny day, the King is announcing the Royal Bout. A battle for the Princess' hand and well, other parts. This battle will be between Sir Roger Thatt, Knight of England and the Dark Prince ! Any man who wishes to challenge the victor may do so in a battle to the death ! Today, England will have a Prince !

(Dark Prince and Roger Thatt enters as their names are announced)

(Cheers)

K : Let it Begin !

(Dark Prince and Sir Roger Thatt have a sword fight. Roger Thatt barely knows how to fight. A humorous fight ensues. Ends with the death of Sir Roger Thatt)

W : We have a winner ! My nephew, my dear dear Nephew, I knew you would make me proud !

DP : It was nothing ! I've had better finishes than that in my sleep !

K : Jester !

J : Yes Sire.

K : Drinks for everyone ! Celebrations are in order !

J : Yes Sire.

(Jester brings in glasses for everyone. And dances while everyone is celebrating.)

W : To the new Prince ! (Raises his glass)

All : To the new Prince !

K : Wait, before you tilt your glasses let me speak. Not Prince, but King he will be. All this killing and conquering and war has taken its toll on me.

J : You don't mean ?

K : Yes, I am stepping down as King, once the wedding is done.

W : Stepping down as King?

DP : What about your subjects? And your Ministers?

J : And your Jester and Chopmeister?

K : They will all obey the new King. But...

P : But what?

K : But if I should think that the new King is not fulfilling his duties, I retain the right to take my throne back.

J : What?

W : What?

J : Who has ever heard of such a thing. Abdicating and reserving the right to be King again !

W : The Jester for all his foolishness speaks the truth.

DP : What sort of a Kingdom will this be then? A Fool's Kingdom?

K : This is my demand ! Accept or I will search for another suitor myself.

DP : I accept !

P : Then let's celebrate this day !

J : To the Fool's Kingdom !

All : To the Fool's Kingdom.

K : Jester ! Go tell the maid to ready supper.

J : Yes, Your Majesty. (Jester leaves)

W : I'd say this wine taste's particularly goo...(gasps and falls on the ground dead)

DP : Uncle ! What in the King's name is happenin...(gasps and falls on the ground dead)

P : My Prince !

K : What is this ? Are the Gods punishing me for my evil deeds ? I need someone to help me understand ! Wizard !

P : The Wizard's dead, father.

K : If the Wizard's dead who will tell me the meaning of all this ? I need someone capable of thinking. Someone who has seen death many times over and understands it. Heid Chopmeister !

HC : The next to die will be in line, for the pleasure will be all mine ! (Sees the bodies) Death? Without me? My 5000th head ! Your Majesty, you have betrayed me. Arranged for death without my blade ! I will have my 5000th head today, even if it be yours !

K : Quiet Heid. I need someone to tell me the meaning of this ! (Jester Enters)

J : I will explain your Majesty. This is Death. Just as you wanted it. Murder. Death. And celebrations.

K : I don't understand !

J : Your Majesty, your daughter said she wanted someone like you. Someone smart. Not afraid to die. Someone who will keep her safe. Not afraid to kill. I am the man she seeks. I have loved her since my first day here. The Wizard and the Dark Prince? The Grecian poison I used, is but a special one. Taste's like wine and kills like sulphur. I'm the only one here who could fill your shoes. England will be safe with me.

P : Jester you maybe but King you should be. Father this is the man I want to marry. The last man standing. Someone smart. Not afraid to kill.

K : Then you shall marry him ! Jester to Kings and King of Jesters, you will now be King to Jesters and King of Kings ! In the absence of the Friar, I crown you King !

J : And all your subjects become mine?

K : Yes, yes of course.

J : Then I have my first order as King.

P : What is it?

J : I choose to be King not now but till the day I die. And not you, not even the King shall come in my way ! If I had known earlier about your demand for the throne, that Grecian poison would have filled three cups.

K : I don't understand !

J : Chopmeister. I give you your 5000th head ! And in return I expect your never ending loyalty ! Guards !

(Guards come and hold King)

K : What ?! No ! Daughter do something !

P : Not too long will you be here. But a man like him will keep me till I die. I'm sorry father, the blade you cut with, cuts you in the end. That is life !

HC : 5000 heads I have today chopped, and to you new King, my loyalty would never have stopped !

(Guards take King away, King is screaming and HC exits)
(Light Fades. Old King Enters)

OK : King to Jesters and King of Kings I became. But to what end? The greatest Jester of all is life. The games it play fools all of us in the end. My queen is dead. Killed by Greek poison. Tastes like wine and kills like sulphur. (Raises his glass). To life. The greatest joker of all.And to us, its jokes. (Drinks from glass and dies)
END